My Feelings About Joanne

I’ve been thinking about Joanne in brief spurts as of late. I try not to think about her but I miss her. I miss the friendship we once had. I miss the “bond” we once had. About two weeks ago, I reached out to a mutual acquaintance that happens to be friends with her and the old social group that I associated with once upon a time. He noted to me that “things have changed” within the social group since the incident and that everyone grew distant from each other. One member from said social group distinctly noted to my mutual acquaintance that everyone seemed much more colder and unresponsive than before, that they no longer partake in the same activities they once did and that everyone was “doing their own thing” these days.

While I remember the drama that Joanne created and the aftermath of being ostracized from said social group because of that drama, I distinctly recall her throwing herself into the arms of another man shortly after. They had a fling at first and from my understanding, after the fling, she decided to make it an official thing. There was an immediate spurt of “activity” for months on end on various people’s Facebook accounts revolving around this fling, the “fun” they were having together in said social group, and it just seemed like they were doing a bunch of stuff and keeping busy together. It almost felt forced, if anything, like she was intentionally trying to make me feel jealous and envious of her, I suppose? As for the drama that Joanne created? Well, I just refused to tolerate it and simply just moved on with my life. Rather than getting angry and jumping in there and starting verbal fights with people in said social group, I just chose to move on from it all. As I said in past entries, the drama intensified for months and even more pictures and status updates popped up on Facebook that basically revolved around her and her man. And then nothing. It tapered off. Interestingly enough, it tapered off right around the time of her birthday wherein I emailed her a simple happy birthday wish and she had indirectly apologized for the shitstorm she created in a reply email. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. I wanted to patch things up with her in a follow up email but she never replied so I took it as “she didn’t want to patch up the broken friendship”.

It comes and goes, these feelings I mean. I try not to let it drag me down when they do come up but I don’t know. I just can’t help but go back to it, rehash it in my mind, and see what else I could have done or not done to save the friendship. It pains me to lose a friend over a misunderstanding and even after repeated attempts to clear the air and set the record straight. Every time I go back to it, I always come away with “I’ve done all I could have done on my end” and it was simply her refusal to meet me halfway and settle it once and for all. Essentially, it was a matter of pride and ego.

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