About three weeks ago, I had gotten really drunk because that one random Monday was particularly stressful for no real good reason at work and in my drunken stupor, I had drunk messaged the NY gal, Samantha, saying all sorts of embarrassing things that I wouldn’t have otherwise said if I was sober. Basically, I dropped all the “I love you” and “I want you” bombs and sexual remarks. Then the next day, I apologized and told her it was drunk talk and that was the end of it. I hadn’t really gone out of my way to talk to her since. Nor has she. I don’t blame her though. I’m sure it was awkward and so far as I can tell, it still is. But she was the one who initiated the conversation rather than the other way around. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind at the time that talking to her in my drunkenness would have been a really bad idea. Oh well. She messaged me and then the onslaught began.
Fast forward to just this past Friday, it was the first real conversation we’ve had since but over something rather trivial, a status update of mine on Facebook. I don’t get why we even talk, if she took it to heart my drunk talk as serious talk. I mean, if she took my drunk talk as an admission of feelings and she’s not interested in a relationship, why keep talking to me? That would just prove to be a lesson for disaster down the line. This is not to say that I have feelings for her because, well, it’s too soon to say anything for sure. I don’t really know her. I’ve gotten a whiff that we “seem” to have a lot in common but…it feels like she’s being agreeable just for the sake of it, rather than genuinely agreeing. And that, to me, comes off as “odd” but I suppose there’s a reason for it but I’m not that terribly interested in psychoanalyzing her–precisely because I don’t really know her yet. Any psychoanalysis would be, at best, a partial picture, which wouldn’t really be that helpful to me so my thought on it is that I’ll just take what she says at face value for now and watch for consistency.
Truth of the matter though is that she’s “interesting” but there’s some things “off” about her like I said in one of my previous entries. But I humor her and maybe I should really stop enabling her because at this point, I’m the enabler in this equation. Anyway, going back to this past Friday when we’ve had our first real conversation since and some of that conversation spilled over to Saturday, she was sharing stories about her exes and I just thought it relevant that I talk about my exes since she brought up her exes and all the guys she has kept in touch with after the break up. And then she started talking about what she would want in a hypothetical relationship and again, I thought it relevant to tell her what I thought about what an ideal relationship ought to be, etc, etc. So I talked about I wanted out of a relationship and went into great detail about my dating life, dating preferences, and all that jazz. And then somewhere in the middle of it, she just dropped the “I’m not interested in you” speech in the middle of it all, which just killed the mood and any good feelings I had for her up until that point. Because, well, I thought we were connecting and sharing stories about our likes and dislikes. No harm in that. It’s not like I was stringing her along and vice versa and the jokes and “flirting” is just part of the conversation. I liked what we had going. We just talked about whatever, was honest with each other, and just shared freely anything and everything. Why ruin a good thing going on with serious talk? That’s what I don’t get.
Now, I’m just like, “what’s the point of talking to her?” She thinks that I like her in the romantic sense when I haven’t even learned enough about her to have formed that emotion yet. I like her enough to keep talking to her, sure, but, seriously, I really don’t know much about her. And on top of that, I already told her that I don’t know what to feel about her. And that’s the God’s honest truth. But she already made the preemptive attack to cut off any possibility of romance by saying that. And I’m like “Ummm…you’re not all that. There are prettier girls than you that I could talk to and spend my time getting to know but I’m still choosing to spend my free time with you.” Make no mistake. I wasn’t making relations with this gal with the mindset that I’ll turn it into a romantic one. If we clicked, then we can take things further. If not, we just remain friends. Simple as that.
Granted, there was flirting like I said earlier but she took it well before. We just did it because it was fun. She gets my attention and the feeling of being desired and I get her attention and the feeling of connection. That was a good thing going. Why the change now? And my thought is the drunk talk was taken as serious talk. Anybody who drinks knows that drunk talk is just that. Drunk talk.
I simply don’t see the point in talking to her now. I have no real use for another friend. It sounds messed up but that’s what friendships are. They serve a purpose for our needs and as long as both parties are giving more or less equally, it’s a balanced friendship. Both mutually gain from the interaction than without. Now, the “friendship” has shifted from one where both mutually gain from the attention and sympathy given and received on one level as friends and another level as man and woman to one where she gets my attention and sympathy on both levels but I don’t get the same type of attention and sympathy back. Yea….that’s not a balanced friendship. I’m on the losing end of this deal so I don’t see why I should even continue this friendship with her.
So I guess that only leaves me with one option then. Cut her loose. I don’t owe her anything. If she messages me, I don’t have to get back to her right away. My time is precious. And besides, she has plenty of other dudes that will give the attention that she needs to alleviate her boredom. Ok then. It’s decided. That’s what I will do.