Maybe it was a fit of boredom. Maybe it was a fit of insecurity. But whatever it was, I ended up reaching out to her roughly a week after the last journal entry and began talking about random things. I think things got awkward mid-week she and I ran into an argument. It was actually a really heated argument about a subject matter that she was passionate about. She was going in for the kill when all of a sudden, she backed off and the argument ended abruptly. Apologies were exchanged and things became okay between us again. But it was an odd junction. Since then, she has had a different opinion about me. We stopped joking like we used to. We stopped the “care-free” exchange of information. Something definitely changed. But I’m a busy guy. It wasn’t something that I sat down to think about for hours on end because I still have adult responsibilities to take care of. This “non-relationship friendship” had to take the back burner for a bit. I let it sit for three days after the argument and checked in on her on the third day and it seemed like she was still upset since her responses were short and “curt”. So I left her alone for another three days before getting back to her again the following week. Things seem somewhat better but I could tell that there was still tension.
Now, mind you, I’m from California and she’s from New York. How can you feel tension over Facebook? Well, there are key markers. Short and curt responses being the most obvious one whereas prior to that point, she would go into great detail about the things that happened to her for the day. Her “serious” side was present. That’s two of the most obvious things.
It was a considerably shorter conversation than I was accustomed to but not much I can do on my end. It wasn’t like the heated argument was over something personal but I guess on her end, it was a personal thing. I didn’t take it personally myself though since I enjoy debating as a hobby. It’s been spotty from there on out. Then one night, last week, on Tuesday (June 16 2015), she made it a point to point out that she’s not interested–again–during the emotional connection we were having that night and I’m just like “What the fuck, girl? I thought you already made it clear that you weren’t interested in me a month ago? I heard you the first time and I don’t need to hear it again.” At the most, she’s just someone to pass the time with. Where she fits in my social circle is still unknown. She has practically no use for me except as a distraction from boredom, at the moment. I mean, if I had to seriously sit down and think about this, she’s just someone I talk to at odd hours of the day because that’s when I have those random “free time”. That is, if I wasn’t at work or taking care of the things that need taking care of, or attending to my social obligations, that free time is spent talking to her and getting to know her. She is really at the very bottom of my priorities list, all things considered. Working on a budding “new” friendship is really at the very bottom rung of my list of priorities.
Then on Wednesday of the same week, she got upset at me for making a joke and refused to talk to me after. And she remained upset with me until this past Saturday where I apologized for the joke. I mean, we’ve always joked with each other before. Why this time she decided to take it personally was beyond me. The joke wasn’t even about her. It was about something in the news. It’s not like the joke had any bearing on our friendship but I guess it did? But that’s odd to me precisely because it wasn’t something personal. If we were closer, I can imagine why she’d be upset to a certain extent but I don’t really know her all that well. And I certainly can’t read her mind. This friendship only started less than 9 months ago and on Facebook to boot. So as you can see, it’s not like we’ve known each other for many, many years and that I’m aware of every quirk of her personality that I’d be able to predict that it was an ill-placed joke. And don’t get me wrong here. We’ve made cruder jokes toward each other about each other before so this one that was made about something in the news just came out of left field for me. So I’m left scratching my head as to what she’s upset about.
Anyway, the conversation we had Saturday night took a turn for the worst after the initial half that was really good and positive turned into shit after. I just don’t get why she’s getting offended over things I say that are purely hypothetical and in a joking manner. At this point, I just don’t know if this friendship is worth putting effort into anymore. I spend more time apologizing and fixing things that aren’t even my fault than connecting. Ok, to be fair, maybe I should have been more sensitive with the things I’ve said on Saturday but that’s how jokes work. It is a jab at an irony of a situation. It’s meant to be a put down or a negative comment about something but framed in a humorous manner. Sure, I can be even more clever with my words but because of the differences of our knowledge base, I doubt that she’d understand the more sophisticated jokes in my armory. So I’m already holding back a part of myself to meet her at her level. Now, she wants me to be more sensitive in my jokes and I’m like “Ok….so that’s a large of chunk of myself that I can no longer show. So what’s left? My boring analytical side and no one but the smartest and most clever folks really appreciate that side of me.” I know for a fact that she’s not that bright in the knowledge and world affairs department. So I know I can’t talk to her about that. She’s not really all that much of an intellectual so I can’t connect with her at that level either. So effectively, that leaves me with nothing to gain from this friendship. The only person gaining anything here would be her. That’s essentially what it boils down to. She gets all my attention and affection but I get nothing out of it.
Now, you tell me. What person of the right mind would stick around for that kind of shit deal? I wouldn’t but at the very least, she entertains me in my times of boredom. She really can’t be much more than that at this point. And that’s mainly what she’s good for. For now, I’ll keep her at arms length. She still has some use for the time being until something else more important takes up my free time. I’ll cut her loose when there’s absolutely nothing to gain from interacting with her.