I apologize for last night’s rant. I’m feeling better this morning and I’m not giving up on women or dating. I’m just frustrated with the dating scene. You know, I know that I’m a decent looking Chinese American guy. I work out and eat healthy. I have a decent job. I have active interests and hobbies that I pursue. I get looks from women almost everywhere I go. Especially at bars. I usually get a lot of sexual come-on’s from women at these venues and don’t get me wrong, I like the attention but I’m just not interested in one night stands or “making out” for its own sake. I really don’t believe in meaningless sex. And don’t read it the wrong way. I don’t pick up women at bars. I know for a fact that women who frequent bars are really there for fun, sex, and that’s about it. Is that weird coming from a guy? Is it weird that I don’t want free sex? Most other men want no-strings attached sex. They’d jump at the first chance of it, in fact. But me? That’s not for me. I have higher standards than that. I believe that if we’re going to have sex, it should have meaning attached to it. Plus, I’m just “wired” differently than most men. I get emotionally attached easily. Is that strange? And usually, I know when I’ll get along with someone. When I get that “connection,” I just know that this woman has long-term potential because most women don’t give me that sort of feeling of connection.
Now, I’ve dated around. Most girls just don’t interest me much. They are either vapid blackholes but are a bombshell to look at or if their looks are average and they have a fun personality, they tend to be crazy. Like batshit crazy. You know these types of women. Most men have met at least one batshit crazy girl in their dating career. Then there are those really boring girls. I mean like stone cold fucking boring. They have nothing to say and if they did, it’s one-liners. And that makes it hard for me as a man to gauge what topics to talk about. But I can be totally random if I wanted to but in my experience, that tends to weird out women. But every once in a blue moon, I meet one woman that I just connect with, you know what I mean? That NY gal was one of them.
Granted, I’ve never met her in person and the only conversations we’ve had were over video chat and Facebook messaging. And if this gal was being honest and upfront about everything, I think this could have developed into something long-term. But I ruined things when I got drunk one Monday night and she just happened to have messaged me that night while I was drunk. BUT! I did tell her beforehand that I was drunk so it wasn’t like she was left in the dark about it. After which point, I started dropping love bombs and “I want you” messages, which admittedly, must have things awkward. But I was drunk. That’s what drunk people do. The next morning I apologized and told her that it was just drunk talk and not to take any of it seriously. But she did take it seriously because she followed up by saying that she wasn’t looking for a relationship that same day but much later at night. And at the time, “romance” wasn’t even something that occurred to me. Drunk talk is just horny talk. I don’t count that as “serious talk”. But, again, it seemed like she took it to heart.
Things just spiraled from there. It got progressively worse but we would have intermittent “great conversations” and then nothing for weeks. It wasn’t until maybe the 9th month mark when I decided in my sober mind that this girl is no longer merely a platonic friend. That she has potential to be something long-term, romantically speaking. And during a course of flirting, she insisted on reminding me that she’s not interested in a relationship. Buzzkill. So fine, I left it alone. I thought maybe she was playing hard to get. Some girls are known to do that. But I’ll know for sure by the third time. And I got my answer. She really is being serious. So I dropped her like a hot potato and that was it.
Bear in mind now that in one of my earlier entries, I said that I already suspected that she may be BPD or have Borderline traits and that I would proceed cautiously. BPD women are just not worth it, in my opinion, but what I ended up doing is “giving love a shot”. Maybe it’s just nervousness. Maybe it’s just that she has an active life. It’s possible and not that unusual. I try think to think about it “within reason” because I know I’m like that. Not saying that she’s like me or even similar to me necessarily with that respect but, “I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now” kind of thing until she proves otherwise. And she certainly proved otherwise. But all things considered, I’m glad it was only a few months of wasted time as opposed to years into it. I really did enjoy talking to her though. She was someone that I could talk to effortlessly and without feeling judged. It was “that sort” of connection. And they just come by so rarely in my life.
Nevertheless, I am hopeful that I will find another woman who I can connect with on the same level and who will want me for more than a friend. I guess I’ll just have to have my heart broken a few more times until that happens.