So I officially cut off all contact with the NY Gal today and I thought it wouldn’t be this arduous but it is. I hate having to end friendships because I just happened to have a romantic interest in her after learning about the gal for a period of 10 months or so. It wasn’t really part of my plan to like her in that way. That is, the romantic sense. It originally started out as strictly platonic. She seemed like an interesting person but over time, I felt like we shared a lot of values in common as well as many interests. Those are grounds for a long-term potential but still, it doesn’t mean that it will last.
Her official answer as to why she doesn’t want to be involved with me romantically was quite simply “she didn’t want to.” There’s not much to say to that. So I told her that I was gonna stop talking to her and delete her from Facebook and she seemed surprisingly “ok” with all of that. I guess she was expecting it. I guess she never really thought much of me. And I guess she was waiting for me to break things off so she wouldn’t have to feel guilty for having to end things herself. In hindsight, I think it was for the better. At least, that’s what my rational side is telling me. But my emotional side? Well, all it wants to do is break down and cry. Cry at the loss of the connection. (Bear in mind that I’ve had a few drinks tonight so I might be extra emotional than usual).
Now, this is probably my insecure side talking but I swear to God that I suck at the dating game. I’m just too honest and respectful. And there’s simply no women left who like men who are honest and respectful. Where are these unicorns? And every time I try, my heart always gets broken because I invest too much emotionally into the woman that I happen to talk to a lot. Am I weird or something? Why am I wired to feel so emotionally attached to a woman so quickly? I wish I could just not feel so attached but I can’t. That’s how I am. When I happen to talk to someone that I connect with, I end up liking them. A lot. And usually, I’d want them to escalate it to something romantic but I am willing to wait for the right gal. Every single time though, the woman just doesn’t want to be with a guy like me. I know it sounds crazy and I’m pretty sure it’s just my insecurity speaking again but I think there’s something wrong with me. I must be fundamentally flawed or something. There must be something about me that drives women away. And I don’t know what it is. I’m dense. I’m a man and I’m dense. I’m sorry. But social cues don’t come naturally to me. I’m too rational to pick up on social cues. But I swear it, I’m really trying hard to understand and see social cues for what they are. But I keep failing at seeing these social cues and I’m just really discouraged right now. I think me and women are just not meant to be. I guess I’m just good for sex and that’s it. I’m not meant to have an emotional connection with women and the sex that goes with it.
But I want an emotional connection. Why can’t I find one woman that I can emotionally connect with and who will want me sexually? It’s either just sex but no emotional connection or just emotional connection but no sex. I must be so fucked up to only ever get those two options every single time. But I try. I keep trying. I don’t give up. I refuse to give up. I will find a woman who will like me for me. But goddamn it. I’m so tired. So, so tired of finding that unicorn. I really am. Every time my heart gets broken, I’m just that close to giving up on women altogether and just giving up on the idea of being with one. I’m tired. I’m tired of being abused for being a genuinely nice and caring person. That’s who I am at the crux of it. I just feel more than the average male. I feel empathy. I just feel that way. I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry if I happen to care. That’s how I am. That’s who I am. Why is it that people have to be so FUCKING selfish? I am not asking for much. I just want people to get along and I just want one woman that I can get along with and who’d be willing to invest time in me because I’m worth it. I swear it. But right now, I am in such despair and hurt and pain that I just want to give the middle finger to every motherfucking human being out there for giving me grief. I leave people alone. I don’t cause trouble. I’m just a human being that cares. But society doesn’t reward people that care. They reward people who are selfish, who take, and who never give back. Ever.
I’ve worked on myself for a while now. I’ve worked on my personality. I’ve worked on my social skills. Save for social cues which I still haven’t mastered yet, everything else, I’d say that I’m way~~~ better than when I was still in college. Age old wisdom keep saying “love will come to those who wait” but I call bullshit. I’ve waited for a long time since I’ve gotten involved with anyone and it’s still the same bullshit when I do put myself out there. Why does dating have to be so hard? It shouldn’t have to be this hard. I seriously fucking hate dating. All this pathetic “dating rituals” and contradictory behaviors to “show interest,” none of it makes fucking sense! NONE OF IT!! What is wrong with just saying “I like you and want something more long-term with you” without scaring the person away? Why is it so weird and awkward to just say what you want directly? Why? No, I’m serious. Why? WHY??? Fucking WHY GODDAMMIT??! Why do we have to engage in this “delicate” dance of playing mind games with each other and shit testing each other until one or the other gives in or maybe not because there are fucking players from both sides of the gender divide? Because hey, dating is no fun without trolls added to the mix to confuse the fuck out of everyone. Because hey, that’s what makes “the chase” fun.
You know what? FUCK THE CHASE! Fuck it. I don’t like it. I don’t want to engage in it. I don’t want any part of it. Why does it have to be so fucking complicated? It doesn’t need to be. Just say what the fuck you want. Keep this shit simple. I don’t got time to play games with you. That’s the way I see dating these days. I ain’t got time to play fucking mind games with you. You either want me or you don’t. Don’t string me along, don’t be “hot and cold” with me, and don’t flirt if you don’t fucking intend on having romantic relations with me. That’s it. I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re young and you want to flaunt that shit. Go flaunt that shit AT THE NIGHTCLUB. Don’t flaunt that shit with someone who is trying to connect with you personally. Nightclubs are meant for that. It’s meant for those women who want sexual attention but don’t intend on putting out. Go do that there. Not in the general space of the public. Not online when someone messages you one-on-one.
And this brings me to my next thought. Dating rules. What the hell happened to them? It’s like no one follows them anymore. Anything goes. You wanna flirt? Go for it. You wanna fuck with no strings attached? Go for it. You wanna have a relationship that’s not really a relationship but both of y’all act like a couple? Go for it. What the fuck is this bullshit? It used to be that there are “clear lines” of what distinguishes an ordinary platonic friendship with a woman from one that is more romantic. Now, it’s like “anything goes” and no one is ever supposed to put a label on it. Right, because that does wonders with people’s feelings when invariably one party will feel something more than the other–and that will always be messy. Always.