The “Fade Out” in Dating

I’ve been reading various blogs and internet articles on the internet and I’ve noticed that the vast majority of these blogs and articles tend to advocate that “you don’t owe the other party an explanation” when things don’t work out during the dating phase. So let’s bring up a hypothetical scenario here. Let’s just say that you, a gal, have been dating a guy who had asked you out a few times already and you happily accepted each and every time because you were interested in seeing where things will go with this guy. And in those dates, you felt like the both of you had a real connection, both emotionally and sexually, but if one party or the other–for whatever reason–just decided that the person wasn’t a match, then the person making that decision is not obligated to provide an explanation. And to be extra clear, this means that neither of you are exclusive as of yet (in other words, no labels as of yet) and neither of you have developed any deeply felt feelings for each other just yet. From what all these blogs say, it is perfectly fine to do “the fade out” where one party or the other (guy or girl) will just “mysteriously” disappear, never to be heard from or talk to/at again. I think this is the wrong approach to take when it comes to dating.

I think that it is profoundly disrespectful to the other party who thought that things were going so well. At the very least, an explanation should be given when asked by the hurt party as to why the interest tapered off. Now, I’m a firm believer in just being honest with a person when it comes to any kind of communication involving two people but I also realize that when it comes to matters of the heart, honesty may not be the best policy in some circumstances. Nevertheless, I think if the person asks for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it is your obligation to give it however hurtful it may come off. Personally, I would rather hear a harsh truth than a sweet lie when it comes to matters of the heart. This way, I know what aspects of my personality, if any, need some work. Plus, it would leave no room for interpretation.

I think between my first ex and my second ex, I learned more about myself from my second ex because she said it like it is, unfiltered, so I know without a shadow of a doubt where I’m messing up. Admittedly, the truth hurts a lot. And I mean it was a real blow to my ego. The kind of pain that a woman can inflict on a man is unlike any pain that a woman can inflict on each other. It is, in short, an unbelievably painful experience. But it is needed for someone to grow, I think. And I’d like to think that I’ve grown up since my college days and in some respects, I think I have. Nevertheless, sometimes, I do feel like I haven’t really changed all that much. I still have the tendency to be drawn to women with histrionic and borderline traits but once I figure them out, I cut them loose. I’m slowly getting better at it though. In this respect, I feel like not all hope is entirely lost on me.

But getting back to the “fade out”. I’ve only done the “fade out” with one person and one person only. Her name was Linda. She was the one who chased me initially but over time the roles reversed before becoming entirely lopsided where I did all the work. It sucked. And she wanted all the benefits of a relationship without giving me anything back in return. She thought her beauty should be more than enough of a prize and I’m like “You’re not all that. Beauty isn’t everything if your personality is just shit.” And her personality was shit but… the time, I guess I was feeling bored and wanted to get my feet wet in the dating world again. I had purposefully taken myself off the market for a while after my second ex because I wanted to work on myself and my career for a bit. And, again, at the time, I was at that point of my career where things were going well so why not go on a few dates and see where things will go? And so I did. Well, actually, she was the one who asked about going out. It was like that for a while before the roles reversed and I started to chase her. It was…nothing short of thrilling at first but it got old real fast once I realized that she had no intention of giving in and when I noticed that she didn’t have much personality to get excited about. And at that point when I came to that realization, I just “poofed!” out of her life. That one lasted about three months. It really wasn’t that long, all things considered, but I still feel bad, in hindsight. She deserved an explanation when she texted me a month after-the-fact asking what happened between us but I didn’t reply. I would definitely hate it if a woman did that to me so I vowed to myself from that point onward that I wouldn’t do that again with another woman. And I haven’t. With the NY gal, Samantha, I told her quite honestly what I felt and why I can’t remain friends with someone who I have a romantic interest with. Remember, in my previous entries, it started out as purely platonic. It wasn’t until later at around the ninth month mark where I noticed that “Hey, we have a lot of things in commons.” And that’s around the same time when I started to think of her in that romantic sense. It could work, though admittedly, there were certainly many areas that may serve as a source of much tension BUT, if she was willing to work it out, it might work out in the long-term. Alas, we never actually hit that point so oh well. She thanked me for my honesty and that was the end of it. I haven’t heard from her since. And I’ve resisted that urge to reach out to her. It is now one full week since then and it’s slowly getting easier and easier to move on.

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