My original plan was to stay “no contact” with the Asian American activist group that I was a part wherein I came into contact with the NY gal, Samantha. Even though I’ve deleted her from my Facebook friend’s list, she still does pop up in the group that I am a part of. And while it’s true that I can just as easily have blocked her so that I can avoid seeing her posts anywhere on Facebook, I did say to her that I wouldn’t. On the one hand, I see no real point to blocking her. Not seeing her on my personal news feed and Facebook chat is more than enough to help me move on. Secondly, it’s not like she did anything to me that was in any way harassing me. It was just my choice to delete her so I can move on. And she was okay with it. Like I said before, she didn’t even put up a fight. Upsetting really, when I think about it. So I jumped back onto the group to see what’s new and it was actually my first time since I ended the friendship two weeks ago. Those first two weeks really was the most arduous two weeks for me to get past. But I kept myself busy and interestingly enough, blogging here on WordPress played a large part in helping me move forward by focusing on all the ideas that courses through my mind day in and day out. I’ve also been putting some of my free time into blogging about Asian American women news on my other blog, Pissed Off Asian Man, as a sort of side project for promoting news about Asian American women and putting my two cents into it about those articles. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking about for the longest time and I had wanted to start up a blog about it but for one reason or another, usually petty reasons, I kept postponing on that project. Now that Samantha is no longer a part of my internet life, that time has been spent once or twice a week looking up Asian American (AA) women news, linking them to my blog, and talking about it. This idea of blogging about AA women was an idea that I borrowed off of Angry Asian Man, not that he had any active word or say in it, but I’m just saying that he has a blog that focuses on AA news, both good and bad, and I just noticed upon scouring the internet that there isn’t a whole lot of personal blogs that talk about AA women in news. There are a bit of Asian American women personal blogs that talk about themselves but not so much in relation to their identity with racism and media brainwashing (or whether they are even aware of the propaganda being dispersed in TV ads, films, radio, magazines and other forms of media). So I just thought that I’d start a blog that links articles about them and share my two cents along with it.
Anyway, going back to the Facebook group, I made a couple of posts to some threads and lo and behold, she “liked” one of my posts shortly after. It was that thread about Reddit and Ellen Pao and how she had made things better at Reddit by holding a leadership position there, albeit, briefly. And the thread itself had already reached over 50 comments by the time I reached the thread. It was a very polarizing thread, oddly enough. You would think that in a group full of Asian Americans, that AA men and women would stand united on this matter but instead, it was more of a “man versus woman” matter more than anything. Of course, all of the most active women participants in that group sided with Ellen Pao while a lot of men who were somewhat active in the group took opposing sides. And I say “a lot” and not just some of the men because there are actually a lot of really well rounded and well reasoned AA men in the group who make some of the most unconventional, critical points about AA issues in general but they are often times overlooked and treated as SJW’s (Social Justice Warriors) and so, as a result, are often times ignored in favor for those who act more like children and who bark the loudest and most often.
Anywho, I decided to avoid the bitter back and forth that had been started by the men and women earlier up the thread and posted a comment saying that Reddit was whatevers to me and that if Reddit were to die, as a website, that another abomination will quickly take its place and that this is the nature of the internet. Shortly after I posted that remark, she liked my post. And I’m just like “Why did she like my post? I thought I made it clear that I wanted to move on?” And then I decided to log off of Facebook and watch all of Season 4 of Fringe on my laptop to forget about it. And then after I had finished Season 4, it had occurred to me, it is a Facebook group and she is allowed to like whoever’s post whenever she wants. It’s in her right to do as she pleases and there’s really nothing I can do, save for blocking her, to stop her from doing that. And then, it just made me realize how upset I was with her and it made me realize that two weeks is not enough to get over her. Granted, I never “loved” her in the sense that I was so hooked on her that I couldn’t let her go. No. I never had that with her. The friendship never reached that level of intimacy. But I did like her as a person and I did like the conversations we had. And, I don’t know, I just have a hard time letting go of things and usually things that I cared about. So yes, I did care about her personal well-being.
I don’t know. I’m just at a loss for words right now with regards for her. I’m sure it’s just because I’m tired and didn’t get enough sleep last night as I was trying to finish up Fringe Season 5. These moments of weakness always seem to pop up when I’m tired, and I mean physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I’ll stop here for tonight. I should get some sleep. (But before I go to bed, I’d like to say that I fear that I may actually give into my weakness and start talking to her again, albeit, over the Facebook group rather than privately and before long, I’ll be right back to that same toxic relationship with her.)