Have you ever noticed that the Nice Girl has been increasingly on the decline, as of late? There’s a massive exodus of apocalyptic proportions going on in Western society when it comes to the Nice Girl. Girls are no longer raised to be “nice” or to “get along with others”. Nope. Girls are now taught in public education and reinforced by their parents, peers, and authority figures as well as society at large that ‘mere niceness’ won’t get them what they want, which is true to an extent. Niceness in and of itself to the exclusion of other personal qualities won’t get you what you want. This much is true but it is a blatant lie that niceness won’t get you what you want. It does get you what you want when used in combination with wit, humor, cleverness and a dash of creativity. That’s the difference that so many of these female writers from various blogs like this one and this one have noted over and over again ad nauseum. So while all of this is going on, girls are slowly adopting more and more masculine qualities into their personalities, which, by themselves, aren’t a bad thing. But it becomes an issue when the only redeeming qualities are her masculine qualities, the same qualities that won her that cushy job earning six figures, the praise and idolization of her peers (most of which are female), and the independence afforded to her because of her ability to work hard.
Interestingly enough, the various blogs and articles on the internet that speak harshly about the Nice Girl are female. One after the next, you get the general idea that the Nice Girl (like the Nice Guy) is largely frowned upon in society these days. Even more interesting is that these are often times the same women who frown upon Nice Guys. The opposite of nice is mean (read: asshole). So what happens to men (and women) when society frowns upon the qualities that make up these respective people? You guessed it. Men and women both turn into assholes. This is what naturally happens when enough people in society reinforce the behaviors that it is not okay to be nice to each other, that it is not okay to try to get along with each other, to be mindful of each other’s feelings, and so on and so forth. Some bloggers insist that the opposite of nice is not mean. According to these bloggers, the opposite of nice is “confidence”. Well, guess what? Confidence is just another word for asshole. Yes, you read that correctly. Let’s put it this way. When was the last time you felt confident doing something that isn’t also selfish in nature and that disregards what other people think or feel about it?
Let’s take the dating scene, for instance. The PUA (pick-up artist) does not care what you feel or think about him when he, inevitably, comes up to you and starts a conversation using cliched and trite pick up lines or starts a conversation by giving backhanded compliments. You, the woman, perceive this as “confidence” when in actuality, he’s just being an asshole about his approach. This is where the common saying amongst male social circles “women respond to assholes” comes from. To be confident is to put one’s own needs first above all else and to take risks that are often times illogical or irrational. Confidence means that you know what you want and you’re not afraid to say what you want or to go out there and get it regardless of how or what other people may feel, think, or believe. That means that one would have to run against the grain when conventional wisdom or social conventions would have you believe otherwise, such as being nice to a girl should get you a favorable response when, in reality, it has the opposite effect. As you can see, the same qualities that makes a person “confident” is also the same qualities that make up an asshole.
I can hear it now, all my naysayers, who insist that there’s a fine line between the person who is confident and the person who is just an asshole. Like this PsychCentral article. Or this article. There isn’t. They are one and the same. Whatever imaginary line that these folks, like the authors of the Psych Central article or the Daily MBA article, insist on are merely “smoke and mirrors.” Why? Because when you think about it, what’s the opposite of all the qualities that make up a confident person? A wimp, a pushover, a weakling, or a people pleaser. There’s really no grey area for this quality of character. You are either confident or you’re not. And anything that’s less than confident is nice, friendly, humble, accommodating, pleasing, etc (basically, all the qualities that make up Nice Guys or Nice Girls). And have you ever noticed that all the qualities that make up a Nice Guy or Nice Girl are, incidentally, all the qualities that you wouldn’t associate with a confident person? Nice, friendly, humble, accommodating, pleasing, etc, these are not words that one would commonly associate with a confident person. Bold, aggressive, determined, fierce, go-getter, these are the words that are commonly associated with a confident person. Do you notice the wide difference in word usage between the two? Someone who is a go-getter isn’t going to be humble about his approach. Someone who is bold isn’t going to be pleasing. Someone who is fierce, aggressive and determined isn’t going to be nice, friendly, or accommodating. These are all mutually exclusive traits. In other words, you either have one or the other but you can’t have them both at the same time. What the authors of Psych Central and Daily MBA get wrong (as well as many other well-intentioned but ultimately, misinformed male and female writers of dating blogs) is that they insinuate that the difference between the confident person and the asshole is that of “mere degree.” It’s not. It’s quite literally one and the same person, just viewed under a different angle, lighting, or setting–>the same way a fat person can take a selfie in just the right angle, lighting, or setting to make him or her seem “fit” and “athletic” (or confident) instead of morbidly obese and uncouth (or weak). For example: Under the setting of, say, individual product sales for a company, being aggressive, a go-getter, or bold is actually prized and actively encouraged. But under a setting where team collaboration is the prime focus to the completion of a project, suddenly, the same qualities of being aggressive, a go-getter, or bold is actually frowned upon since those same qualities will cause friction with other people in a team setting.
But let us return to the Nice Girl. The Nice Girl is often times associated with the Good Girl. This is the girl who is naturally affectionate, caring, and thoughtful of others (not quite unlike the Nice Guy). This is the girl that would go out of her way for you in your time of need, whether you’ve asked for it or not. This is the girl that you would not bat an eye to bring back home to see the parents. This is the gal that you tell your boys that this may be “The One” whereas all your previous love interests were merely flings or fuck buddies or friends with benefits. Essentially, this is the marriage material gal. Society, however, insist that the Nice Girl is not desirable in the eyes of men and feminists have put into place some pretty aggressive agendas in the public education system to make sure girls and, ultimately, women, as a whole, are socialized to believe that being uber independent, that being aggressive and unyielding to anything and anyone, that being super competitive are all desirable traits that men look for in a woman. This is false, by the way.
The only people that keep touting that lie are assholes and bitches. Assholes and bitches go hand in hand in the dating world. Assholes are to men as bitches are to women. And you can plainly see this for yourself in just about every dating blog or dating website on the internet. A simple search for “Nice Guy” or “Nice Girl” into Google will yield an infinite amount of articles, forums, and chat rooms that frown upon these two groups of people (usually by assholes and bitches). And a simple search for the “Independent Woman (or Women)” will yield an equally infinite amount of articles, forums, and chat rooms all touting that this is the woman that you ought to be and that these women are the only women that men want or find most desirable. There’s even a frickin’ book written about it by Sherry Argov “Why Men Love Bitches“. (Bitches, as defined in her book, is basically the independent woman, which is synonymous with being a slut these days.)
And you know what? It’s true to an extent. Men (who are assholes) do want independent women (who are bitches)–>to sleep with, but the Nice Guy/Good Guy will not want to wife or have any kind of meaningful, long-term relationship with this kind of woman. The Nice Guy/Good Guy wants the Nice Girl/Good Girl. That’s the difference. The thing with Sherry Argov’s book? It’ll work on assholes, but it will scare off or wear down the Nice Guy/Good Guy to the point that he’ll give up because from his perspective, if those tactics as advocated by Argov are actually employed? It’ll be perceived as mind games and the Nice Guy/Good Guy has no patience for mind games (because he has nothing to prove and doesn’t care about proving anything to anyone for any reason).