It’s been a while since I’ve talked about myself. I’ve spent my spare time these days reading articles about feminism, MGTOW, and everything between these two major topics among various other topics. Admittedly, my topics of interest span the spectrum. I could be reading a feminist article written by a plethora of female writers on the World Wide Web but then suddenly change gears and want to watch videos about fixing cars. My mind works in mysterious ways–kind of like God except I’m not God. Then when I’m done watching that, I’ll research air movers, axial fans, and what industries they are primarily used for and somehow end up looking up what cat litter is essentially made of. Next thing you know, as I’m listening to one of a myriad of Pandora stations (at the moment, I’m listening to Breaking Benjamin), a lyric might trigger an idea and on down the rabbit hole I go and I’ll be digging up information about, say, death, or people born with a specific type of disorder, say, Down Syndrome. And then, before I know it, it’s midnight or 1 o’clock in the morning and I should be going to bed but don’t actually end up in bed until much later.
Enough about my mind though. Tonight, I want to focus more on my dating life, or lack thereof. You see, sometimes, I humor the idea (in my head) of actually finding a nice girl to date, proceed to go on said date, and just follow the traditional path that many of my peers have done but seem utterly miserable in once they’ve entered the married life. Sure, everything goes well the first year after marriage but things usually take a turn for the worst after that point. Now, granted, I don’t have many close male friends but of the couple that I do regularly keep in touch with, one of them is married, one is in a serious relationship with a gal that I’ve met a handful of times (but I noticed that she’s utterly controlling and manipulative), and then the last one has been engaged to a good friend that I’ve known from work from way back in the day. These are all good men. These are all good providers. And these are all just the epitome of what sums up morally upstanding, law-abiding, possibly God fearing men. I don’t know. But I do know that two of them are Catholic while the third is a Jew. (Of course, I’m purposefully leaving out a childhood friend that I’ve known all my life since coming here to California but that’s another story for another time. He’s single, by the way, which doesn’t exactly tie into what I want to talk about here).
And then, I have what I call my “good friends” beneath these close friends. These are friends that I “sort of” keep in touch with, but not with much frequency, relative to my close friends. I wouldn’t divulge any of my deeper and darker aspects of my personality because I feel like they wouldn’t have the wherewithal to digest it. So I purposefully show these friends the “happier” aspects of my personality, which for them, is really all they care about. (Or, if they’ve only seen my sarcastic rants, then I show them that). Of the few in this category, quite a number of them are either already married or engaged to be married at some later date further down the line. Interestingly enough, (and this might come as a surprise to you), these friends of mine are actually mostly females. Yes. I have female friends. And boatloads of them. So many that I don’t care enough about keeping tracking of how many I have under my belt. And these are, by all accounts, really nice women. And sure, at some point in time, I may have had a crush on some of them but was friend-zoned or brother-zoned. In any case, they remain in my life in one form or another because they found utility in me and vice versa.
You might be thinking now: “Hey, I thought you wrote an article a long while back where you said that you don’t have (or keep) female friends?” And you would be right. I don’t have any female “friends,” that is, friends that I can count on when the moment arises and I really need their help. And don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I don’t trust them. It’s just that there has never been an instance where they have ever gone out of their way to help me before I asked them to, ya know what I mean? And I mean like really help me. Not just offer emotional support. Anyway, moving on. These are female friends that, at one point in time, I have been friendly with because I happen to share mutual friends with them and they, by happenstance, wanted to maintain contact Why? Well, at the time, I was totally oblivious to it but in hindsight, I realize now why and that is that I serve some kind of utility that they find useful until something better came along. And that ‘something better’ did, indeed, come along for them and they are, as far as I care to know, happily married to a, relatively speaking, rich guy. Pretty much all of them are in that predicament. Now, I’m not saying that they’re gold diggers (ok, maybe just a little) but I don’t think it’s mere coincidence that they purposefully allow men into their lives who all happen to earn money on a level that is far beyond their own.
I told you all of that to tell you this: all the married friends of mine that are guys? They all seem so utterly miserable in said marriage immediately after the first year. This is especially true if they are already on their second child (or third child). And then of the one’s that aren’t married but have been with their gals for quite some time that they may as well be married? Yea, those too seem to be in a state of restlessness and this strange sort of anxiety on various levels. It’s not exactly misery but at the same time, it’s not exactly happy-happy either, you know what I mean? It’s kind of like a state of complacency. Now, again, let me reiterate, I’m only speaking about the guy’s side of the relationship. These guys seem so utterly happy when they can have a spare “fun day” to hang with the boys but as soon as I bring up the status of their relationship, the tune is usually something like: Oh, it’s going good (or great!) with no hint of enthusiasm whatsoever behind their words. If anything, it’s almost forced but I digress.
Now, let me change gears and look at the female side of the relationship. More often than not, if they don’t have kids yet but are married, they seem to be having the time of their lives where everyday is like a new adventure for them. It’s as if a big burden has been unloaded from their shoulders and they are free to do whatever they want without any repercussions. And then of those that have kids and are married, the tune changes a little bit. Nevertheless, on the whole, the female side of the relationship is still having the time of their lives except they have brief episodes of frustrations and anxiety with their kids and husband. Now, interestingly enough, the female friends who have been in relationship for a long time but aren’t married with their man and have no kids, they are in this weird state of not completely happy but still happy on some level yet very utterly frustrated about something (or a number of things). Granted, I haven’t really spent a whole lot of time analyzing my female friends predicaments but I have a clue as to why they feel that way. And that is that they, compared to their other female friends, are not married yet. Bear in mind now, these relationships that I’m talking about? Aside from my two close male friends, these other relationships are between an Asian male and Asian female, usually Chinese, Korean, or Vietnamese or some sort of Asian mix. And typically, they are leaning more on the conservative end so far as gender roles are concerned. The only exception here is the one Jewish guy with an Asian gal but that’s not terribly relevant as I see the same thing happening anyway.
All things considered, please don’t take this to mean that I’m talking down on all said individuals, both males and females, or that I’m against marriage. Or that I’m disgruntled to see other people happy and I just want to rip them here in this entry. No. Not at all. Quite the contrary. For my female friends who are married and are having the time of their lives? I’m genuinely happy for them. Not so much for the guy side though. For them, my heart goes off to them. I feel and can see their pain. I feel bad for them. And then on the flip side, for my male friends who are married? Same thing. My heart goes out to them. I see that they are at their wits end and the fact that they just suck it up and keep trucking forward gains my respect for them even more. These are real men right here. But at the same time, I can’t help but to think that their wives could be doing more to make their relationship less stressful and more enjoyable. Just saying.
Then when I see all of this going on with my peers and I look at myself and my dating situation (or lack thereof), on the one hand, I’m glad I’m not in their situation (if from the male side) but at the same time, it would be nice to have a partner to share my life with. At this point though, what with all the stuff going down in society and how feminism seem to affect people subliminally that most people wouldn’t care enough to realize (or admit to), I cannot help but to err on the side of safety and not participate in the dating game, at least actively. Sure, I’ll still engage with females when the situation warrants it or out of convenience or when I feel like it but other than that, I wouldn’t take the step further to make it into anything other than a one-time “friendly encounter.” From where I stand, the risk is too great and from the perspective of peers, it sure doesn’t seem like a pretty picture, even if they all do try to make it seem like their relationships and/or marriages are just peachy. I’m not saying all relationships have to be perfect all the time but at least be complementary, ya know?
Going a bit off topic now, after having been single for a long, long while now, my needs have been gradually evolving and as a result, have been lowered to fit reality just a bit more as time passes. Nowadays, the feeling of being wanted in the moment of when it happens is enough for me. The funny thing about me is that I know I’m good looking guy. I got that from my dad’s genes. And if I was working out more, I know I can definitely draw a lot of women’s stares every time I go anywhere where there are lots of women. I just don’t typically flaunt my looks. If anything, I purposefully wear baggy clothing or clothing whose colors or styles don’t match with each other to hide my physique. If I wanted to draw a bunch of women’s attentions, I can. It’s just that, most of the time, I don’t care enough to draw their attention. But every once in a while when I feel like it, I pull out all the stops and see how many will look my way when I enter a room. It becomes like a sort of game for my own personal amusement.