Childhood Friend Against Me Dating

A few months back, I had written an article about a gal that I was interested in and I had said that she was a bit of an oddball and that she belonged to the family of the person I nicknamed “Professor” who was the host for the BBQ shindig that went down at the time. Now, it just happens that earlier this month, my childhood friend Sam and I had a discussion about her and I dating. He wasn’t too keen on us dating, which is strange considering that he’s my childhood friend that I’ve known all my life and should be supportive of whoever I decide to pursue.

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It bears noting here that my childhood friend is actually really close friends with the Professor and the cousins of the Professor, one of which is the gal in question. Now, I know that the Professor has no interest in dating his own family as he is currently pursuing another love interest that he had met off a dating website so it wasn’t like there was a conflict of interest here. Nevertheless, my childhood decided to tell me all sorts of horrible things about said gal that I’m interested in to dissuade me from continuing my interest in her, which I found rather peculiar. Keep in mind that he has had a much longer friendship history with the Professor and all of his cousins. He knows them all really well because he has been spending time with them for a much longer time than I have since these are “his friends” to start with. To be fair though, I actually knew the Professor during my middle school and high school years but was never really close because he is one year younger than me. In fact, both of them are one year younger than me, my childhood friend and the Professor, so unsurprisingly, we didn’t share the same teachers or classes so we had very little, if any, time to hang out and get to know each other. Plus, I had my own group of friends from my year to hang out with, which didn’t help but hey, that’s how history played out. Usually, you spend time with your peers from the same year rather than peers younger than you.

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Anyway, I can understand if my childhood friend’s concern is that of protecting his friends from harm but if that were the case, it would imply that I would be that person bringing detriment to his other friends, which makes no sense. Why? If he knew how I was and yet still invite me into his ring of friends, isn’t that contradictory to his goals? Isn’t the whole point of protecting one’s friends to prevent people like me from entering said ring of friends and inflicting damage? And if I was that much of a detriment, why even bring the fact that he has another group of friends that he hangs with? Better to keep me in the dark about it rather than telling me of their existence.

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At some point during this discussion that I had with my childhood friend, I deduced that he liked the gal in question. I actually do not know how to spell her name but let’s call her Jeanie because that’s how it’s pronounced. So I deduced that my friend Sam is actually interested in Jeanie but because he has had no such luck in getting her to open up to him, he doesn’t want anyone else to have her either, in a manner of speaking. This is petty, plain and simple, if that were the case. He swears that he’s not interested in her for anything other than friendship. So I asked him what about her makes you think she’s not a good person to date? He says she’s a gold digger. Well news flash. All women are gold diggers, I said. He then said that she wants someone to take care of her and I’m like, “What woman do you know that doesn’t want to be taken cared of in one manner or another?” And then he said that she’s straight up crazy. And I was like, “All women are crazy. It’s just a matter of how much crazy you can handle.” Lastly, as a final resort, he did the “guilt trip” and said, “Look, I’m your brother. (He’s not blood-related, by the way, but we’ve been friends for so long and have stuck up with each other’s backs over the years that we may as well be real brothers). Just trust me that she’s bad news and you should stop pursuing her–for me.”

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Let me stop for a moment and say that usually when this tactic is used, the “I’m your family. You should trust me no matter what”? It usually means one of two things: that the person in question is really as bad as my childhood friend says that she is OR my childhood friend is using the highest form of manipulation tactics (read: the dirtiest, most unethical, shamelessly remorseless tactic) to get his way, so to speak, just because he wanted it. Now, this begs the question: if the person was that toxic, why hang out with the person in the first place? The cousins are a part of the Professor’s family yet he consciously chooses to continue to spend time with her and interacting with her. This makes no sense. Or even if the person was mildly toxic, he’s still making a conscious choice to interact with her. And if it were true that she was indeed as crazy as he makes her sound, why hasn’t she killed all her cousins and robbed them blind of all that they are worth? Crazy, as in clinically crazy, has no “routine” (to be fair though, there is a set of characteristics that distinguishes crazy from the sane in psychology but I’m not talking about that at the immediate moment) but based on my observations, she does have a routine, which suggests that she’s not crazy, at least not the clinical kind. Crazy-making is different from crazy. This just means that she’s a lot of drama, which can be bad but normal if she knows when and how much of it can be let out at any given time. But my friend never made that differentiation. Crazy is crazy, regardless of how or what actually manifests, which itself is a fucking crazy idea because if that were true, how can anyone be trusted at all since crazy can take any form? Like being nice or empathetic to someone can be construed as crazy. That would truly make for a really crazy world.

Moving on. I decided to give my friend the benefit of the doubt, for now, and not pursue her. In effect, I’m basically waiting to see if he will actually make a move on her as I suspect that he has in the past but was largely unsuccessful because he couldn’t understand her or have her open up to him. By the way, he had also mentioned that she was really boring, unoriginal, and just a wall flower–basically, everything introverted, he disliked about her. And I’m like, “Well, you know I’m introverted myself but over the years, I’ve mastered the art of public speaking and gotten good at talking to and relating with people.” So I’m the exception to the rule yet she’s not? Again, that makes no fucking sense.

It bears noting here that he kept insisting all throughout our discussion that he had no interest in her, ever, to start with and simply wanted to watch my back. Right. Watch my back. I’ve heard that one from my own blood relatives before and on numerous occasions, but in hindsight, it turned out that they never followed what they preached. So when I see my childhood friend who has gotten me through the years with my own destructive family pull this tactic on me, I find it quite unusual and really rather off character even for him. I don’t claim to know everything about my childhood friend even though I’ve spent a bulk of my life getting to know him and spending time with him but I know when patterns of behavior change and this one veered off from the norm. And to me, it seemed so blatantly obvious and out of character for his usual nature.

It could just be that he has matured over the years like I have. And I mean no offense to my friend Sam when I say this but Sam hasn’t really changed his character much over the years. The only things that have changed are his materialistic wants, needs, and lifestyle choices. In other words, his “appearance” has changed, sure. What he chooses to wear and how he chooses to portray himself externally? That has changed. But his core personality, code of ethics, and conduct surrounding that hasn’t really change all that much. So for him to pull this tactic on me is, on the one hand, expected, but on the other hand, odd. Again, it may be the case that he may have actually matured over the years, which I doubt for the above reason, or the people he has been spending time with has given him this notion and he’s simply adopting it to be a part of his lifestyle choices. The latter isn’t that unusual. When you hang around a certain group of people long enough, eventually you do begin homogenizing and adopting their way of thinking and doing things within the group in order to fit in better. Humans are social creatures, after all.

And it’s not just this girl. It’s any girl that I’m interested in. My childhood friend Sam never has anything positive to say about me going out and pursuing anything that benefits me, which again, is odd. Back when we were kids, we used to encourage each other to do our best in everything that we do but in our adults lives, this all changed. Now anything I do is discouraged. It’s counter-productive thinking here. It’s almost like he wants the status quo to stay the same indefinitely but doing that leads to stagnation in body, mind and soul. And I know when people are holding me back because they fear that they’ll be left behind. And Sam is doing precisely this, which is sad but I can’t really change this aspect of him. I’ve done my due diligence throughout the years as a friend and as a brother to get him to be a better person but almost none of it has really stuck. He is who he is. A simple-minded, materialistic, and awfully paranoid individual with no real higher goal beyond caring for himself and his family.

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I realize that this entry turned into something of a rant against my childhood friend with respect to my dating life and life in general but my idea of friendship entails helping each other and really being supportive with each other. And this specific behavior is anything but. Meanwhile, when he has aspirations to do something, I give him the green light and my best wishes that he achieves it. And I would point out to him that when other people are supportive and actually care about each other, that this what friends do for each other. Then I point out how when I want to do something and achieve something for myself, that he does the opposite of what I do for him. He discourages. Yet, he doesn’t see this behavior as anything abnormal like it’s perfectly normal for other people to be supportive of him but when it comes time for him to be supportive, he turns into Debbie Downer and shits on you instead.

Anyway, getting back to Jeanie and my interest with her, she’s definitely worth pursuing in my eyes. But timing is everything and sometimes, that right timing never actually comes up. So the next time I meet with her, I’ll create my own timing and go from there.

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